“They just won’t listen to me!” is a cry that I often hear from employers, significant others, parents, etc. What I have found is that when these same people commit to listening to the very folks they are frustrated with for not listening, magic occurs.
We’ve all heard the old saying, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” It is true in all relationships, both personal and professional. When people know that we genuinely care about them, they are much more willing to do what we ask, or at least meet us in the middle. Listening demonstrates caring.
Context Associated (a training company) teaches a model for communication called “The Agreement Creation Process”. It is a powerful tool for finding common ground that I will share with you today.
THE AGREEMENT CREATION PROCESS
(BASED ON WIN-WIN)
- Know my point of view
- Believe in it (Be aware of the value).
- Commit to listen to someone
- Determine who to communicate with (the right person).
- Take action
- Establish trust and rapport
- Determine other’s need (what would be a win for the other person)
- Present my point of view (as an alternative way of satisfying the need).
- Acknowledge and discuss other’s considerations.
- Choice:
- YES: Follow up, Follow up, Follow up
- NO: Go back to the beginning
Being very clear on your point of view, as well as the value of that point of view is critical to a successful outcome when entering into an important conversation. It is so difficult for others to understand what we want when we’re unclear ourselves. But, people rarely think these things through before they start talking. Small wonder we often have communication difficulties!
Once that is handled, there’s still more to do before you actually present your point of view. You must make a genuine commitment to listening more than you talk, and you also need to be sure you’re communicating with the right person. You can put a lot of energy into a conversation only to find out that the timing of the conversation is not good, or that you’re talking with a person who can’t affect the situation. By investing a bit of effort up front, you can save a lot of energy and prevent frustration.
When you’re clear on what you want, why it matters and you’re reasonably certain you’re communicating with the right person, it may feel like you should be able to jump in and start telling them what you came to tell them, right? Not so! You still need to find out what’s in it for them. How do you meet their needs, too? The best way to do this is to ask and then listen to their response without interrupting!
It is only after you have laid some solid groundwork that “Present my point of view” comes into play. When you just jump in and start telling others what you think and what you want before you know about their frame of mind, you set yourself up for failure and frustration. And you’ll probably wonder why they’re not as excited as you are about what you want!
It is also important to note that even when you have laid a firm foundation there may still be considerations to work through. That’s okay. If you have done your work up front and remember your commitment to listen more than you talk, chances are very good that you will come to an agreement that works for both of you. Nothing is 100%. But, this approach definitely increases the odds that you will be able to get what you want – and save (or even grow) the relationship at the same time.
I urge you to give this a try, remembering that new skills take practice. If you have questions or get stuck, please contact me. I’m happy to walk through some practice with you.
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